Can a Sex Instructional Video Help Improve Your Love Life?

Whether you’re young or old, rich or poor, sex is probably one of the most talked about, if not controversial, topics in the whole world. Everyone needs sex, not just for procreation, but for pleasure and strengthening of a relationship as well. You can’t talk about romantic love without including sex in the equation so if you’re currently in a relationship and you want to make your love story last, you should definitely start working on your sex life. But how do you start? Though you’ll find a lot of great ideas online on how you can spice up your love life, there is really only one way that can help you take your sex life up a notch. Want to know what a sex instructional video can do for your relationship? Then don’t hesitate to read on.

Assuming that you and your lover both have open minds towards this subject, a sex instructional video can do wonders for your relationship. But do bear in mind that this option isn’t for everyone. If you’ve just started dating, make sure to have an open discussion with your partner on how he or she feels about using this sort of videos. This way, you’ll be able to avoid causing offense or any awkward moments that may lead to future misunderstandings in the relationship.

Helps You Become A Better Lover

Sure a sex instructional video may not be a necessity in making a relationship work, but it can help you make it stronger. A sex instructional video can help you become a better lover as it can provide you with tips and techniques that will make every sexual encounter worthy to be remembered. From oral techniques to different sex positions, you’ll be able to reinvent yourself as the ultimate lover once you’re done watching the video.

Allows You To Open Your Line Of Communication

Another benefit that you can get from incorporating the sex instructional video into your bedroom routine is that you’ll get a much more open communication line between you and your partner. Just by watching the video together, you’ll feel much more comfortable expressing what you want sexually and your partner will be more open to tell you what he or she would like to try out. When used properly, a sex instructional video will be able to help you form a stronger bond emotionally and physically.

If you’re interested in purchasing sex instructional videos, there are a number of ways that you can easily get your hands on them. First off, check out what your local adult bookstores or sex shops have on offer. Although these shops usually have an extensive line up of different adult videos that you can choose from, make sure that you choose a sex instructional video and not just a porn flick. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of visiting these shops or you just don’t have the time, start your search online instead. The great thing about purchasing online is that you not only have access to a wide array of different titles, but you’ll also get to shop anonymously.

Create Your Own Personal Dream Dictionary

We homo sapiens have been trying to understand our dreams since we developed complex language. Over the millennia our beliefs about what dreams are, and where they come from, have changed and evolved along with our physiology, culture and technology.

Though we consider ourselves highly intelligent, innovative and technically advanced, compared to our primitive ancestors, when it comes to understanding our dreams, we’ve barely advanced past the Victorian ear and the Freudian theory of dreams as repressed sexual desires.

We turn to dream dictionaries and psychoanalysis to uncover the “hidden” meaning or message in our dreams. However, there’s no standardized meaning for a specific element -symbol- or theme.

You can do your own research on this. Enter a symbol in Google (or your favorite search engine) and check out a few of the meanings. For example, let’s look at a very common symbol; water. I typed in ‘the meaning of water in dreams.’ Google returned more than 43,000,000 results. In the top ten results alone, I found forty different interpretations for water. A few of the varied meanings are listed below:

1. Your current emotional state
2. Forgiveness
3. Attachment to the Earth
4. The passage you’re moving along
5. A transition
6. Renewal
7. The unknown
8. Sadness
9. Crisis
10. An invitation to take a journey
11. The unconscious
12. Spiritual cleansing
13. Maternity
14. Passive aggressiveness
15. Meditation and reflection
16. Purification and change
17. An omen
18. Negative situations that bring uncertainty
19. Love, desire, passion, lust
20. Suppressed feelings

In psychoanalysis, no two therapists will come to the same conclusion or meaning for a dream, never mind a symbol. The paradigm they work within, their own references and preferences, and current literature will all influence the analyst’s interpretation. And even their method of dream analysis varies among different schools.
So, where does that leave us?

… Scratching our heads and realizing that we need to create our own dream dictionaries!

Every element (action, object or event) in our dream is a personal one. Many dream workers like to classify symbols (though I don’t consider elements necessarily symbolic) as universal, cultural and personal. But, every symbol in our dream is personal and just ours. Elements are fluid, versatile and fickle. What water, for example, means in your dream today, may not mean the same thing tomorrow, or even in another dream. And what it means to me, can be completely opposite one day, and exactly the same another day.

There are far too many possibilities and kinds of water to determine one single meaning, which applies to many elements. Don’t be discouraged. There is a way to interpret an element. We have a stable schema (or framework) of what water is, which we’ve developed and built upon throughout our lives. As we uncover the layers that make up our concept of water, we can discover the reference and association at the root of the particular element in the context of the specific dream.

Once we establish the different meanings of an element, we can then add it to a personal dream dictionary. I would suggest using a spreadsheet for your dictionary. It can handle much more data more efficiently and easily than a word processor or a database program.

As you build your dictionary, you’ll notice patterns, see new or unique meanings or associations, and become fluent in your own dream language. The reward far outweighs the time and effort it takes to create a growing database of knowledge about your Self and your life.

Relationships Aren’t the Right Venue for Men With a Sexual Bias

A woman who begins a relationship shouldn’t have to deal with a man’s sexual bias issues. Relationships that have the best chance for success don’t include those in which men have strong, anti-feminist attitudes.

I’m continually shocked by the number of men who boldly, and without any apparent fear of reprisal or rejection, attack women in every manner possible, in print and out loud. Women in the workplace, dating, sexual attitudes, etc, are problems with which some men inexplicably struggle, and they blame women for their struggle.

The Women’s Movement is typically the root cause some men embrace to spew their hatred for women. What I’ve noticed is that when I write about misogyny, the crazies come out of the woodwork, and accuse me of misandry. I looked up misandry in the Merriam-Webster dictionary because I’d never heard the word before. In fact, my Microsoft Word program flagged it as a non-word. The dictionary definition is short and to the point, a hatred for men.

I’ve been working with men for over twenty years to help them achieve their goals by teaching them how to work through their male specific issues. I should be the last person to be accused of hating men, but I’ve been accused of a misandry by several men who host websites that espouse hatred and fear of women.

I can only wonder what type of man could hold such hostility in his heart for women, and I can only hope that women are smart enough to sniff these misguided men out before accepting a date with them.

I remember when the Women’s Movement began decades ago, and while there was some amount of anger regarding how women had been kept in low job positions and paid less than men, I don’t recall Gloria Steinem or any of her associates expressing any hatred for men. But that fact doesn’t seem to matter to those men who need to hate women to justify their failures in relationships with them.

When I ponder these men, what comes to mind immediately is that none could possibly be in a relationship with a woman, and none are likely to ever be, either. I suspect that their social ineptness is the real cause for their hatred towards women. While no man appreciates being rejected by a woman, 99% seem to get that their rejection isn’t the result of a man-hating woman. I’ve experienced some amount of misogyny in my men’s groups over twenty years, and when it’s come up, I’ve suggested that man look deeper into his heart to understand why he feels as he does.

Invariably, men who hold this animosity towards women have been rejected, and rather than trying to figure out what happened, they decided to hate women instead, It’s certainly easier than digging into the real reasons for their misogyny.

After all, how could any sane, normal woman reject me? I’m a prince amongst men, so my behavior couldn’t have been the reason I was dumped. She must simply hate men. Okay, then I hate women in return. That these men aren’t ten-years old is shocking considering their irrational behavior is that of a ten-year old boy.

That’s about the depth of intellect behind sexual bias, and it would be wise for women to ask men they just met, how they feel about misogyny and misandry. In truth, these men are so dogmatic about women they can’t hold themselves back from telling their truth, proudly and loudly.

Bondara – The Best Online Store For Your Sex Toy Purchases

When speaking of sex toys and aids, there might be a good shop near you. However, when it comes to the huge selection and efficiency of the products, there is only one best name. That is one of UK’s most successful online sotres, which is Bondara..

As we know, different ages and sexes have different needs when it comes to sex toys. The good news is that Bondara knows well about this. This is the reason why the range of their products are awesome from vibrators, dildos, male and women sex toys, sexy lingerie, bondage gears, anal toys to sex gears. Actually, the collection of products in this local store has come out to be over a million already.

Why Go For Bondara

Besides the convenience in shopping that Bondara provides, there are a lot of other great benefits that this shop offers. Just like other online stores, you can take advantage of great discounts and price slash offs from the items that you want simply by using a Bondara offer code, Bondara discount codes or the promotional code that you can get from money-off vouchers for Bondara. Here, check out these great offers Bondara has in store for you:

Delivery. One of the best reasons as to why you need to stay with Bondara is their way of delivery. For one, they have low shipping rates and can even offer free delivery service if you order reach up to 39.99 Euros. What’s more, this online shop is very discreet about the client’s privacy. The package you will receive will not contain any logo of Sex products. Indeed, talking about affordability and privacy, Bondara has it both to offer you. Much more, they have a same day shipping policy.

Reputation. This online shop is indeed a trusted online company that undergoes monitoring from SafeBuy. With this, you can have peace of mind when doing your shopping here.

Billing. The good news about this shop is that even in your bills, they still think about your privacy. Actually, you will see the name Nagook Ltd reflecting on your credit card or bank account statement rather than Bondara.

With all these, you can leave your doubts about trusting Bondara for your purchase of sex toys and aids. Indeed, if you try to shop here, there are a lot more great things you can discover from this shop.

Where To Get Discounts

What is amazing about Bondara is that they offer cheap sex toys for different needs. The website has a section dedicated to the cheapest of all their products in the market. Imagine, their bestsellers such as the Ultimate Jessica Rabbit Waver, MasterB Vibro-Cate Harrington, and Purple Pearl Rabbit Vibrator can all be purchased in less than 40 Euros.

Moreover, at a regular basis, there are Bondara offer code, money off vouchers for Bondara, Bondara UK discount code that you can make the best use of. To get any kind of Bondara offer code, what you only need to do is become a member of the company. Then, you can receive great discounts to all of your future purchases in the site. If you provide your email, you can always receive the shop’s newsletter containing special Bondara UK discount codes. You can also get these Bondara offer code, money off vouchers for Bondara, Bondara UK discount code by searching them in the Internet.

Indeed, what else can you be looking for in a sex toy shop? With the wide selections, convenience, affordability, and privacy they promise, everything you need is already in here.

Erotic Adult Lingerie For Women

Often women are so immersed in their outward appearance that they start neglecting what is within. This is the case with many of us women, who are interested in beautifying themselves from the very core, always pay special attention to their choice of under garments. Adult lingerie always had a great role to play in women’s lives.

Adult lingerie comes in a wide variety of sizes and shape. So whether you are a skinny sexy lass or a plus size with alluring curves you can easily choose your adult lingerie from this wide range of sizes. They also offer you to choose from a variety of designs and cuts.

Whereas some stick to your body like a wet swim suit, some may drape around your curves smoothly like a piece of cloth. Some of them are designed especially for special dresses to be worn by you in different occasions. For example you should wear a strapless bra with an off shoulder dress and similarly. Women of today know very well how important it is to match the under wear with your dress.

It is not just the color but also the design and cut of the dress that determine the kind of under wear that should be worn with it in order to look hot and sexy. The wrong underwear can ruin your effort of dressing up completely! So make sure you pick the right adult lingerie when you wear something out of the ordinary.

However, then you wear adult lingerie, you should be able to carry it out with perfect ease and confidence. If you are shy and uncomfortable wearing it, the lingerie alone can not make you the hot babe. But if you have the figure and are proud of it, wearing adult lingerie will only enhance the eroticism within you and nothing in this world can stop your partner from getting excited.

In fact, adult lingerie is one of the most effective tools to arouse excitement in your partner if things have just got stagnated for sometime. Kinky underwear and sexy bras can make him drool and bring back the passion that he had when he met you for the first time.

They can easily spice up your life in a unique way! So if you are one of those people, who still wear the old fashioned, ordinary, trashy undergarments all the time but are really eager to try out something new and exciting, then it is time for you to switch over to adult lingerie. They will not just change the way you look but also the ay you feel at present. They will rekindle the flame of eroticism in your life and help you to reinvent yourself in a very special way!

Online Dating – The 5 Biggest Mistakes People Are Making And Striking Out

Gentlemen, STOP your engines! Take a deep breath and think about it for a second! What was the first thing you learned back in high school. You know, when girls first started looking good to you. When they stopped being ICCKKY! Play it cool. Don’t seem desperate, and in a way make her wonder: Is he interested in me? Which brings us to our number 1 mistake.

1- Whatever you do, don’t come off desperate. 9 out of the 10 emails I get have these dreaded phrases in them “Please” “I’d give anything to….” “Oh my god I can’t believe” “What will it take” Any guy that seems desperate makes a gal wonder. “Hmm.. Why is this lad having such a hard time meeting women? The famous ” I wonder what’s wrong with him” There must be something wrong with him. Oh well, on to the next guy. DON’T COME OFF DESPERATE!! It’s a huge turn off!

Have you ever tried walking up to a girl in a bar, club or even on the street and pulled your pants down? Of course not. You wouldn’t be reading this. You’d be in prison doing 2-4 for indecent exposure. You know what I’m getting at! Some of you have tried this tactic and no matter how big and beautiful it may be, you struck out! Didn’t you!? The famous number 2..

2- Don’t show ‘em your dingaling prematurely. I once posted an ad in the casual encounters section of Craigslist. The things I saw!! The horror! For example “Hi beautiful, if you like what you see, email me.” “Bet you haven’t seen one this big ever in your life” or the famous “Look how excited your picture made me” Now don’t get me wrong, it’s exactly what I was searching for posting in that section. But you see, women are looking for men. We’re interested in meeting YOU not it. If all we wanted was a weewee, we’d buy one at our local adult erotic shop and avoid the headaches. It’s an encounter with someone new we’re looking for. The excitement of the unknown. Make us want it. Don’t just hand it to us on a platter. We want to work for it a little. And don’t forget the obvious fact that with everything we’ve heard on the news, the stories of women getting raped and killed, we’re a little afraid to meet the men that come off as sexual predators. So please, KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS UNTIL INSTRUCTED TO DO OTHERWISE!

So you’ve signed up on a random date site. You’ve put in your alias, your gender, and what you’re looking for. And now you avoid filling in the rest. Thinking that your alias “looking4mate72″ says it all and you don’t need to write anything else about yourself. Right? Did it work? No, it didn’t. Of course not. Don’t overlook number 3.

3- Tell us how interesting you are. If there’s nothing interesting about you, how can you get our interest? Make sense? Out of the 400 words you can enter in the field you chose to write “Hello, I’m looking for sex” well good for you, so is everyone else on here but at least they’re making an effort to attract the women. If you can’t think of anything interesting about yourself, chances are we won’t find anything either. These are the guys that go around saying “You know these dating sites are full of it. There’s no women, it’s all a scam. Dating sites are filled with real women dying to meet interesting dudes. There just don’t seem to be enough of them. Be interesting, and if you’re not, make something up! Make some sort of effort. With today’s technology we’ve been spoiled a little. But when it comes to meeting women, you have to spend a little time and energy. That’s the beauty. But if you can’t grasp this, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be able to download some beautiful woman on some torrent site in no time. We’re almost there. In the meantime…! keep…. you know.

Uploading your mug shot will probably not get too much attention from the sane women. You know the ones I’m talking about. No smile. The guy is starring into his webcam. You’re not sure if you’re still at the dating site or you accidentally clicked into the FBI’s most wanted list. A picture says a thousand words, make them good words.. number 4.

4- When it’s time to upload your pictures, don’t just turn on your cam and snap away. These have to be the dullest pictures I see. (I’d rather see their johnson, #2). Upload some real photos. A picture of you with your dog, you with friends, you at the beach. Something interesting! Somewhere you’ve been, something you’ve done. You, staring into your webcam, is not interesting at all. No one is going to sit there and go through 34 pictures you just took with your webcam in the dark. Creepy! You need to show us a side of you that’s going to grab our attention! Attraction is what it’s all about. NO MORE WEBCAM SHOTS!

Last but not least.. You’re going to hate this one I promise. But it’s as important or more important than the first 4… Pick a site you like, and become a member.

5- If you’re not willing to pay a few bucks a month to be a member, chances are I’m picking up the bill at the restaurant, bar, club, hotel or motel. The truth is, women rarely browse profiles of the free members that logged in once or twice. We like a little stability. We want to meet someone who’s been verified by the site. Avoids us a lot of trouble. What you’re telling women is; You’re not cheap, You’re a verified user, It’s safe to come in contact with you, you’re serious about meeting someone and again YOU’RE NOT CHEAP! If you can’t afford the membership, how are you going to meet up with me? Where will we be going? You can continue posting on those free classifieds “Anyone want me to pick her up with my car and go at it?” all you want, but you’ll be spending lots of lonely nights. And if it does work, I don’t want to see the gal that responds to that ad.

In conclusion, meeting women online is not that different from meeting women offline. Always remember that these are the same women you see in your everyday life. The difference is, it’s a lot easier to break the ice. So, why are you not succeeding at making that encounter? Is it because there are no women online? Of course not. There are as many women online as there are men. Avoiding these 5 deadly mistakes will increase your chances dramatically. Take advantage of the fact that most men are making these mistakes. There are plenty of fish in the E-SEA. Just remember to use the right bait. I’m currently on 3 dating sites myself. There are lots of single girls still looking for someone interesting to hook up with. I’m one of them. So please, if you come across me, don’t whip it out in my face, unless I ask you to!

Sex Instructional Videos – Watch and Learn!

Although it’s evident that people nowadays are educated in the matter of sex, there are still those who need a little bit of help in that department. Whether you’re just starting out to become sexually active, or you’re in a relationship with a dwindling sex life, sex instructional videos may just be the thing you need. Sex can become quite a sensual and pleasurable activity, as long as you know exactly what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Let sex instructional videos teach you a thing or two, and who knows? You might just discover as whole new side to you.

Sex instructional videos are great as it can help you spice up your bedroom routine with your lover. With different tips and techniques that you can learn from these videos, you’ll be able to become a better sexual partner. These videos can also help you let go of your inhibitions and your partner’s as well and teach you to be more confident in your own skin, no matter what body type you have. And because it’s highly recommended that you watch sex instructional videos with your lover, it can also possibly help strengthen the relationship.

You may be thinking, what makes sex instructional vids any different from porn videos? Though both videos will show people having sexual intercourse, you’ll actually learn something from instructional videos as it usually includes a narrative or a step by step guide. Whereas sex instructional videos aim to give you a better understanding of your body and how you can work it during sex, porn on the other hand will just show people having sex. If you think that sex is just like what you’ve seen on porn movies, you’ll be surprised to know that there is more to it than just the act itself. There’s foreplay, there’s romance and there are techniques that can help you make the whole act a mind blowing experience.

If you’re interested to know how you can your hands on sex instructional videos, you have a few choices. Depending on where you live and how your culture perceives sex, you might find it really easy or a bit challenging to acquire these videos. If you have an adult bookstore or a sex shop in your community, you can start your search there. You can also check stores that sell movies and DVDs and look for the adult section.

You can also look for online sites that sell sex instructional vids if you want to shop in the comforts of your own home. Although you’ll find a wide selection of different titles and types online, do take your time in choosing a video for you. Make sure that you check the production company and the description thoroughly if you don’t want to end up with cheap porn that was packaged as an instructional video. Look up reviews on which titles would be best suited for you. Don’t forget to ask your lover’s opinion on which titles to get so that you can come to a mutual agreement on what type of instructional video would best benefit you both.

Fulfilling Your Sexual Potential in the Second Half of Life

Sexual desire and pleasure is our birthright. After all, we were created naked and with different genitals. There must have been a plan in mind. We are sexual beings from the day we’re born until the day we die. Sex is fundamental to our lives and seems to be the area of life that most deeply touches our most personal issues. Our sexuality is a core expression of who we are. We can hide with sex, we can hide from sex, but we cannot be fully ourselves sexually and hide.

Why have sex? Well, it is well known that sex enhances our lives in multiple ways, both psychologically and physically.

Health benefits include lower blood pressure, overall stress reduction, higher levels of antibodies so fewer colds and flews, burns calories, good exercise, improves cardiovascular health, boosts self-esteem, releases endorphins which makes physical pain decline and helps lift depression; reduces risk of prostate cancer; promotes sleep.

Interpersonally, good sex may be only 20% of a good relationship (80% when it’s bad), but it’s a crucial 20%. Orgasm increases the level of oxytocin, a hormone that allows us to nurture and to bond. Hence, sex increases love and connection even on a purely biological basis. Sex is an arena that is particular and special to a couple. We let ourselves be known to our sexual partner in a way that we don’t share with anyone else.

A couple who has a satisfying sex life is more able to create and sustain a long-term loving relationship. It is well known that people in stable relationships are thought to be more productive in their jobs, have better health and live longer.

The most rewarding sexual experiences are much more rich, diverse, and creative than the “get it up, get it in” approach. And sexual responsiveness has absolutely nothing to do with being able to meet the culture’s prototype of sexual attractiveness. Rather, it grows from connections of hearts, minds, and bodies. Truly good sex begins with a willingness to be open and vulnerable and to give and receive pleasure and nurturing freely. The psychological ability to share intimacy, both physical and emotional, is essential for good sex, but being intimate (as we’ll discuss later) is an art that confuses and even terrifies many individuals.

Good sex, then, is a complex concoction of openness and secrecy, risk and control, personal satisfaction and mutual fulfillment. Good sex requires an ability to be totally immersed in the moment (which is difficult for most people), ever-present to the sensuality of ourselves, our partner and our lives.

Sustaining a healthy, balanced sex life requires mindful attention to our senses, to the physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual dimensions of ourselves, as well as our relationship with our partners. We must KNOW OURSELVES (“KNOW THYSELF”) to know what we want and need sexually. Then we need to have the courage and self-assurance to communicate these desires to our partner, even in the face of possible rejection. Also, we need to have relinquished some of the layers of narcissistic self-consciousness that, when young, may have prevented us from being truly attuned to another person’s reality and needs.

What I’m saying is: good sex requires PSYCHOLOGICAL MATURITY (which we all have because we’ve lived for a while now and have learned some things along the way.)

Mature lovers are more likely to experience not just satisfying sex, but are more likely to experience sexual ecstasy. Certain states may occur in sex where the boundaries of self are suspended in merger with the “other”. This kind of, well, self-transcendence, can open the channels to experiencing a sense of a broader, more universal connection.

Let’s see what the dictionary says about “ecstasy”: rapturous delight; intense joy; mental transport or rapture from the contemplation of divine things; displacement; trance; a shared sense of being taken or moved out of one’s self or one’s normal state, and entering a state of intensified feelings so powerful as to produce a trance-like dissociation from all but the single powerful emotion; this trance or rapture is associated with mystical exaltation.

Eastern societies routinely equate sexual ecstasy with spiritual enlightenment. Only in Western civilizations is there a chasm between sex and God.

So, it’s all good, right? Everything from lowering your blood pressure to experiencing mystical exaltation points to the fact that sex is a good thing.

But if it’s such a good thing, why are so many people not having sex?..or are subject to various sexual dysfunctions, compulsions or perversions?

The fact is that few of us will ever seize the opportunity to explore the full range of our sexual possibilities. One writer I read referred to those who achieve the heights of sexual fulfillment as “the blessed few”.

Why so few? According to a recent survey, one in five Americans is not interested in sex. According to recent estimates, more than one-third of the women in the United States have problems with low sexual desire. Even this statistic may be low, as people may be embarrassed to respond to the interviewer honestly. “Diminished sexual desire” in women, considered by some to be an epidemic, is the diagnosis “du jour” for many sex researchers and therapists.

The loss of sexual desire can undermine a person’s perception of herself, her relationship to her body and may cause an irreparable strain in her relationship. Chances are if her excitement for sex is diminished, her excitement for life in general is somehow compromised.

So why are there only the “blessed few”? One in five is “not interested”???? A third to a half of American women has no desire for sex???? What’s wrong with this picture? Why are so few people actually interested in having sex, exploring it, heightening it?

There are many, many reasons that people eschew sexual pleasure.

First, there are societal/cultural/religious influences. We live in a sex-negative culture. For instance, most Western societies do not support sexual education and development. Parents are still battling to eliminate whatever beleaguered sex education courses are offered in the schools (which, by the way, focus on procreation exclusively), stating that educating children about sex is the purview of the home. Yet, in the homes, silence is the order of the day and kids are still left to figure it out for themselves.

When children are left to their own devices, they are subjected to misinformation from peers and their own fantasies about what sex is. If they become fixated at these levels, there’s more of a chance that they’ll grow up with certain sexual problems. (perversions, dysfunctions and compulsions)

Western culture has historically done much to harm sexuality. Vestiges of the Victorian and Puritan eras, with their emphasis on exclusively procreative sex and discomfort with the idea of sexual pleasure, still resonate with many people, at least on an unconscious level. Sex is evil; sex is sin and eternal damnation.

(which has been a big problem in the Christian community throughout history, and still can resonate down from our own parents’ generation).

Today, we have the “free love” of the 70′s behind us, a growing understanding of sexuality in the mental health field, the significance of the women’s movement and the impact of the communications industry which have combined to break down some barriers to sexual understanding. But we STILL live in a sex-negative culture. The sexual terrain of our times, especially after AIDS, is filled with fear, uncertainty and reactivity – for “normal” people, never mind neurotics, homosexuals, alternative sexualities (BDSM), cross-dressers, people who embrace polyamory rather than monogamy,– AND for the baby-boomers who are trying to forge a new paradigm for sexy aging.

We still get mixed messages from the culture about sex. We’re still confused. “Sex is dirty, save it for someone you love.” Does sex have to be illicit for it to be good? Sex belongs as part of a committed relationship, which connotes high values but low passion. Honor and virtue do not seem to combine well with hot, trembling, lusty sex. Men in this culture still suffer from the “Madonna/Whore Complex”. Some men choose both but will have to be dishonest about it, thus making a tear in the fabric of the integrity of their primary relationship.

Then there’s the societal influence of new technology. The permeating influence of cybersex/pornography on men’s ability to attach and bond to a real, vital woman is a significant barrier to sexual intimacy. Divorce attorneys from the American Bar Association report that a whopping 50% of all divorces are the result of the husband’s addiction to cybersex – that is — pornography, chat rooms, webcam sex, ads for prostitutes, dominatrixes, female bondage and humiliation, the fetish of your choice.

Women, for their part, are encouraged to adorn themselves to be sexually desirable, but not to be sexual. In their historical roles as the guardians of morality, they fail as women if they “succumb” to their (base) sexual natures and allow for the experience of sexual pleasure. Religious traditions have, in fact, been part of this split way of understanding sexuality. The idea of sex as sin outside of marriage and sex as duty inside of marriage is still alive in the collective unconscious and has gone far to undermine the acceptance of sexual pleasure as normal and healthy. These antiquated ideas that there is something morally perverse about a woman who enjoys sex are cultural imprints that unconsciously paralyze many women when they try to experience their sexual selves.

It seems to me that the media, as the messenger of cultural values, promotes the image of an anorexic teenager as representing the height of sexual desirability. Can’t be too thin or too young (within legal limits) to have sex appeal. People are then obsessed with living up to this unrealistic standard for physical beauty being piped through the media. Women compare themselves to the unattainable, develop poor body images, and lose interest in sex.

(Ironically, physical beauty and sexual responsiveness are not interrelated. The fact is that superficial variables such as weight, age, height, facial structure OR the size of a penis make very little difference when it comes to a person’s ability to be sexually responsive and experience sexual passion.)

Our society also buys into the notion that good sex always involves intercourse and orgasm by both partners, preferably at the same time. This approach to sexuality is restrictive and unrealistic, especially as we get older. As I’ve mentioned, sexuality is a much broader arena than getting it up, keeping it up and getting it in. An emphasis on intercourse and orgasm strengthens the misconception men have that women need to be desirable and men need to perform. Performance anxiety and sexual dysfunction are the usual results of an exclusively intercourse/orgasm approach to sex. Furthermore, the focus on genital sex exclusively limits the full range of sexual/sensual dimensions that can be experienced in addition to, or instead of, intercourse.

Some people have “intrapsychic” conflicts about sexuality from having grown up with dysfunctional family dynamics. I don’t even want to think about the rampant sexual abuse of young females where the perpetrator is the father or other close family member. It doesn’t get reported, the rest of the family denies it, and the girl suffers in agonizing isolation, thinking it was her fault, until adulthood when she may get some treatment. Certain young boys are covertly incested by their mothers: there may not have been actual sex, but the mother may have been needy, narcissistic, enmeshed, over-involved, controlling and unable to let her son “differentiate” to become the individual that he should become. These boys may grow to be men with sexual problems.

However, the vast majority of sexual “shut-downs” comes from interpersonal conflicts between the partners. Anger, resentment guilt, hurt feelings, being shut-down and non-communicative are not the stuff upon which sexual fulfillment is built.

I think relationships go bad (and sex shuts down) (cite divorce rates) because the vast majority of people have misconceptions about love and intimacy. Yet, understanding intimacy is crucial to our understanding of hot and sweaty, yet warm and tender lovemaking. Sex is, by definition, an intimate act that is enhanced by the lovers knowing themselves and the other. If lovers are not able to know and disclose their deepest needs and wants to each other, sex becomes mechanical. This kind of knowing and communicating about wants, needs and fantasies requires a foundation of trust and safety that can be found in a loving relationship.

(A caveat – I have no problem with casual sex, booty calls, friends with benefits, or even “kinky” sex that’s not part of a primary relationship. This kind of sex can be fun and satisfying (depending on whether you respect each other), but it’s something altogether different than sex in a loving, monogamous relationship.)

Many people think of intimacy in terms of sentimentality or romanticism. To do so is to falsify it. “Being in love” is also a falsification of intimacy.

“Being in love” is a really a temporary state of insanity. Each person projects his/her own personal relationship agenda (established in childhood) on the other without having any real, knowledge of the other. Inevitably, the honeymoon is over, or people fall “out of love”, and disillusionment sets in. We do not want to give up our fantasy and grow into the reality of actually loving the person “as is”. At this point, either the relationship breaks off or the couple starts to work on building a relationship based in knowing the reality of each other.

People have all sorts of misconceptions about what “love” means. Love can mean sundry, ambiguous, neurotic and even evil things to some: Caring for, rescuing, infatuation with, dependence on, feeling close to, sacrificing for, being a martyr to, being sexually excited by, having a “trophy partner”, having control over another, being controlled by another, marrying someone who’s somewhat like you’re abusive mother in order to finally get her to change, the need for validation and admiration from the other, or the vilely self-destructive idea that love means pain – either from physical or emotional abuse.

These kinds of ill-conceived notions about love create plastic, destructive relationships in which intimacy cannot exist. These relationships can be used to manipulate others, to get our own narcissistic needs met at the expense of the other, and are in the service of other nefarious, unconscious, neurotic conflicts. Celebratory sex can’t exist in a plastic, alienated relationship because sex at it’s fullest requires us to authentic and connected with our lover.

So what is love? “I love you” means something very concrete. It means that I surround you with a feeling that allows you, even requires you, to be everything you really are as a human being at that moment. When my love is full, you are your fullest self. I experience you not as what I expect, not what I want, not as a mannequin upon which I cloche my unconscious, infantile, needs to have a parent and remain a child. You don’t need to reflect well on me. You are not my status symbol. You are, to me…your authentic self.

We love when we not only allow, but enable, enhance and enjoy the “otherness” of our partner.

Being loved, being moved by another’s acceptance into knowing ourselves as we really are may bring trouble, actually. The result of knowing what issues you have that impair productivity and intimacy may be painful, but it can be worked through. We grow with it. It is in human-to-human relationships that we learn, make mistakes and relearn. And the primary intimate/sexual relationship is where we can relearn most profoundly.

Love shatters roles and facades and is illuminative. The confirmation that you are loved lies in your increasing experience of being who you are. Love is unilateral…self as the one who loves actively, not so much the self who is in need of love passively. Real love requires no particular response from the other, so there is freedom of self expression without fear of disapproval or rejection. It is the fear of being alone (or being abandoned) that makes us dependent on the response of others, keeping us from experiencing authentic, real loving.

Let’s look at the word “intimacy”. Again, from the dictionary: the word is derived from the Latin intima, meaning “inner” or “inner-most.” Here again, it suggests that to be intimate, you need to know your real self. (KNOW THYSELF!!!) This ability to be in touch with our inner core is a requisite to being intimate.

Our intima holds the innermost part of ourselves, our most profound feelings, our enduring motivations, our values, our sense of right and wrong and our most embedded convictions about life. Importantly, our intima also includes that which enables us to express these innermost aspects of our person to “the other”.

So, to be in relationship, and to know yourself/your partner sexually, you need to know and respect your intima. The intima is also the way in which we value and esteem ourselves and determines how we are with being with others. To put it simply, if don’t value yourself, you can’t value another. If you’re not aware of needs and wants, or are shamed by them, then sex becomes no more than a fuck.

I think every person I’ve ever seen in my consulting room for sexual compulsions suffers from estrangement from his intimus. We can survive the disapproval of others. The feeling can be painful, but it’s nothing compared to the disapproval of ourselves. Your personal well being and your ability to love another cannot survive your dislike or disrespect of yourself. If you dislike yourself, you’ll never be comfortable with your sexuality.

It bears repeating… the outstanding quality of intimacy is the sense of being in touch with our real selves. When “the other” also knows and is able to express his real self, intimacy happens. Sexuality is both an expression of that intimacy and a bond that enhances intimacy. With this kind of personal/sexual intimacy, our growth experience as humans is energized, enhanced, and fueled. Intimacy is the most meaningful and courageous of human experiences. It’s why people long for it so.

However, despite this universal longing, the fear and avoidance of intimacy is a reality for many people. People fear and even dread that which they most long for. No wonder there’s such a demand for psychotherapists!

So why would people fear, avoid or sabotage this wonderful thing called intimacy and, in the process, avoid sex.

Our capacity for intimacy is formed in the crucible of the first two years of life. Mothers that are needy, narcissistic, depressed, enmeshed (over-involved), distant, too protective, controlling, chronically angry, addicted to substances, frustrated with their husbands and displace their needs onto their children… raise children who have the psychic imprint of closeness as being dangerous. They also raise children who will carry self-hatred into their adult lives unless they get good treatment.

As children, they developed a rigid defense system (boundaries, walls, turning inward to not need others) in order to psychologically survive. But what worked for them as children doesn’t work for them as adults. For these people, the vulnerability of intimacy harkens back to a time when they were vulnerable as children and they fear re-traumatization in their current relationship.

When a person like this is loved – seen in an affirmative light and encouraged to grow and change – this rigid defensive structure is threatened, so their psychological equilibrium is disrupted. Being loved is not congruent with the negative tapes they run about themselves. They can’t allow the reality of being loved to affect their basic defensive structure. Being vulnerable and open to change feels so threatening that they eschew close relationships and mature sexuality.

Entering into a relationship without having some resolution of childhood wounds results in various kinds of fear of intimacy: fear of being found inadequate, fear of engulfment, fear of the loss of control, fear of losing autonomy, fear of attack, fear of disappointment and betrayal, fear of guilt and fear of rejection and abandonment.

This panoply of fears and anxieties about being close and vulnerable definitely is not sexy. We are most open and vulnerable when we express ourselves sexually and we need to have a secure base in ourselves and our relationship to expose ourselves in this way.

Alright. Now let’s get to the nitty-gritty. Sex and aging.

Some of those “not interested” in sex may very well be the middle-aged and the elderly. They’ve bought into the myth that we’re supposed to stop being sexual after a certain age. The fact is, as we mature emotionally and psychologically throughout the lifespan, we mature sexually as well. We can look forward to the best years of our sexual lives because of that maturity. People under the age of 35 may look hot, but they rarely have the psychological maturity to achieve the kind of self-knowledge, intimacy skills, communication skills and willingness to be vulnerability that underlies intense sexuality.

In order to achieve sexual fulfillment as we grow older, we have to nullify – negate – disown and disbelieve — the sex-negative cultural myths about sexuality and aging. Let’s look at some of those myths now.

· The quality of sex declines for both men and women as they age.

· If a woman does not lubricate sufficiently or a man does not become erect immediately, it’s over for them.

· Erection problems are inevitable and incurable without medical intervention

· Female desire declines dramatically after menopause

· Men peek in their teens…then it’s all downhill.

· Women peak in their 30′s and lose interest in sex by 45-50.

· Men and women with heart disease or other medical problems should avoid sexual activity

· Sex has to end in orgasm

· Intercourse is the only kind of sex that counts; everything else isn’t sex

Those are the myths. But here’s what I think: older loves are more sophisticated about their own/their partners needs, have an increased ability to communicate sexual and emotional needs; there is improved sexual responsiveness in women and a corresponding improved ability to control ejaculation in men; a greater willingness to experiment with sexual variations; far greater technical proficiency as lovers with fewer inhibitions and an increased ability to have fun during lovemaking.

Sex need never disappear and orgasm in both men and women has been observed in the 9th decade.

Sex is different as we age and those who are able to retain a sense of sexual vitality are those who are able to integrate their altered and somewhat diminished, but by no means vanished, sexuality comfortably into their lives. Men, especially, tend to leave the sexual arena because these differences create frustration and anxiety. They compare themselves to their adolescent selves and feel defeated. The vast majority of sexual complaints of the elderly are a product of the person’s aversive psychological reaction to the normal age-related biological changes in sexual response.

Men change with age in that the frequency and intensity of orgasm diminishes. It takes a much longer time to up for “round two”. Older men no longer experience simultaneous erection, unlike much younger men who seem to be able to get it up just by…exposure to the air. By contrast, the older man needs to receive effective stimulation by his partner and then is perfectly able to attain erections.

Women, after menopause, may be less able to lubricate as freely as they once did. That doesn’t mean they’re no longer sexually responsive. All that is required is a sexual lubricate (I recommend Astrogel), and they remain capable of multiple orgasmic response throughout life.

Here’s a list of Hot Sex Tips, according to Dorothy.

* Don’t wait to be moved by desire or interest – allow yourself to be aroused and the desire will follow.

* Do consider some systematic way to relax and calm yourself before a sexual encounter. Anxiety is a killer of “in the moment” eroticism.

* Speaking of “in the moment”, do consider taking up some form of meditation that trains the mind to be focused on the present moment. The mind that is continually wandering to mundane life issues during sex will not be able to experience full sexual potential. (cite books) Being fully in the moment also reduces “spectering”, which is watching and evaluating your performance, which reducing the intensity of sexual experience.

* Do continue to cultivate your sexual skills and techniques. (Cite certain readings from the list).

* People, as they age, do experience fewer sexual fantasies, thoughts and interest. So it’s important to experiment with alternative (external) ways to become aroused. Different postures, sexual techniques, erotic films and videos, the use of sex toys, all result in a more imaginative and creative sex life..

* Do eat nutritionally and exercise – feeling vigorous helps your sex life immeasurably.

* Do not smoke or drink alcohol excessively. A minimum amount of booze (no more than two drinks a day) can be an aphrodisiac: too much makes you loose (or placid and soft) and can ruin your erectile functioning. Smoking also effects erectile functioning in later years.

In conclusion, I invite you to meet the challenge of mature sexual intimacy, and to be and remain…the erotic, celebratory, courageous and connected person that you’re meant to be.

Science Supports the Need for Casual Sex Flirting

Casual sex movies make it all seem so easy. Two people meet up at a bar, share a quick drink, and then are seen passionately bouncing off hallway walls as they try to get each other’s clothes off. But is it really all so simple? And if it is, then why aren’t all bar room hallways bursting at the seams with horny hookups? The answer is…they’re not and the science behind attraction and a woman’s desire for casual sex gives a little insight into why.

In several studies, the original one conducted in 1989 and a follow-up one conducted more recently, both men and women were asked if they would have casual sex with a platonic friend – a friends with benefits arrangement – or if they would have casual sex with a complete stranger. In both studies it showed that men were more likely to agree to a quickie than their female counterpart. So if you are a man and want to get a more favorable response to the question, “Will you go to bed with me?” there are few basic things that you need to understand about the women who are most likely to say yes.

Whether you meet a potential partner through an adult online dating site, through a friend, or in a pub, the basics of getting that person to agree to a one night stand or no strings attached relationship include a little flirting. Yes, even with casual sex you need a little flirting.

Science has suggested two theories explaining what women look for. The first theory reaches back to our caveman roots and the evolutionary reasons for having sex – survival of the species. In this explanation the woman needs to be choosy about their hook up mate since they expect them to stick around to help change diapers and buy formula. They want a man they can depend on.

The second theory is one that we can better get our minds around when talking about casual sex and that is the Pleasure Theory. We are all hardwired to pursue pleasure. This is the type of wiring that you guys need to stand up and take notice of. Yes, woman will be more likely to say yes to a casual relationship when they perceive that they are going to get a little pleasure from it…or more likely, a lot of pleasure. Women want to orgasm and they will be more willing to give it a shot with a guy (or girl) that is likely to provide it.

So let’s put the two theories together and create a better mousetrap. Guys, if you want casual sex then you need to convince a woman that they can depend on you to give them an orgasm!

How is this done? Well, to discover that you may just want to follow me and get some advice on some good old fashioned flirting and seduction. That is something that never goes out of style no matter if it’s casual sex or true love sex that you are after.

Sex Books For Men – The Top Ten Books Concerning Male Sexual Health on Amazon

Currently, the top ten sex books for men on Amazon are split between two subjects. 80% of the books are devoted to matters relating to male sexual health and performance issues, whilst the other 20% deals with sexual abuse and its aftermath.

Of the eight books centred around male sexual health, six focus specifically on improving potency, with Secret Aphrodisiac Sexual Stimulants: Aphrodisiacs for Male Impotency, Building Libido & Sex Drive Enhancement by William Livingstone revealing the many aphrodisiac sexual stimulants that can be purchased – pills and tonics to boost the libido and bolster the erection – and Male Potency: A Man’s Guide to Optimal Sexual Health by L B Johnson looking at the nutritional factors needed to achieve a healthy and fulfilling sex life, including many herbs of the Amazon rain forest.

However, another two – Drugs Compromising Male Sexual Health by Walter Krause and Sexual Health for Men by Richard F Spark – actively discount these lotions and potions, quoting the risks and dangers of consuming and applying such chemicals.

Male Sexual Dysfunction – A Medical Dictionary, Bibliography and Annotated Research Guide to Internet References by ICON Health Publications is a complete medical dictionary of expressions and terms relating to male sexual dysfunction.

Whilst Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy by Mantak Chia and Michael Winn reports on mystical Taoist principles and shows the reader how to harness sexual energy from transcendental states of consciousness.

The two sex books for men at the top of the chart Men’s Sexual Health: Fitness for Satisfying Sex by Barry W McCarthy and Michael E Metz and Male Sexual Health: A Couple’s Guide by Richard F Spark aim to help a man and his partner to learn that mutually satisfying sex is the core principle of any successful relationship. The primary focus is on educating the reader to realise that not all sex finishes with both partners climaxing simultaneously.

There are varying levels of pleasure and satisfaction in between but, at the heart of the best relationships is an honest intimacy that allows a couple to explore all methods of foreplay and erotic arousal that will allow both to achieve orgasm as part of a mutually exciting experience.

The most popular book specifically targets male fitness, as this is a major factor in establishing the stamina to be able to indulge the different types of foreplay and intercourse techniques which will promote the best climaxes.

The two titles that stand apart from the rest in the top ten male sexual health books on Amazon concern sexual abuse. Sexual Abuse of Males: The SAM Model of Theory and Practice by Josef Spiegel looks at the psychological and physical repercussions of the childhood abuse of boys, whilst Opening the Door: A Treatment Model for Therapy With Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Adrian Crowder addresses the various techniques used by professional counsellors and therapists to try to repair the damage.

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